Emma Jane*

Looking back... it is hard to believe that eight years ago today I gave my little baby girl up for adoption. I never once have felt the sting of regret. My Heavenly Father had His hand in every moment. Leaving me no room for doubt or confusion. But was I willing to listen to the promptings of the spirit. The only thing in the way of me making the commitment to give her to two amazing parents... was me.

It was a cold October morning... I remember the exact moment everything became painfully clear. I wrote David and Mary to let them know of my decision to place my baby with them. I knew once I had told them I was going to follow through. I had come to truly love them and wanted them to have the family they had always dreamed of. The one that I had always wanted for myself. The dreams of me giving Emma an Eternal Family wasn't the way I had always planned for me to give my baby. And although I wasn't apart of the Eternal equation I was willing to give her more than myself, more than just my love for her. She would always be my baby in my heart. She just a part of me as I was a part of her. I would just have to love her from afar.

The day Emma was born was a bittersweet December evening. It was the darkest day of winter solstice, but every day after that the days would gain in brightness. She was beautiful & wide eyed to the world around her. I was excited to meet the baby I had cared for all those long months within my belly. I yearned to hold her in my arms and tell her every moment I had with her that I loved her. Our time was precious. With each little noise, sweet smell of milk on her tiny little mouth, the touch of her baby soft skin against mine I tried so hard to take in... to remember... every moment was so tender. Trying not to think of the days as they passed quickly by. I enjoyed every moment everyday with Emma. But I couldn't keep the time from slipping away.

January 5th came all to quickly and I wish I had done the whole day differently. I spent the whole day entertaining other people. I wish I just would have had a quite day to myself with my little baby and no one else. I was so worried about everyone elses feeling's but my own. I wanted to give everyone else the chance to say goodbye, and in turn I left no time for myself. Ready or not David & Mary were waiting... it was time. I tried to hold back nine months of tears, but it was no use fighting them. I had come this far and it was time to follow through for me to do my part so that Heavenly Father could do the rest.

There were only one set of footprints in the sand that evening as I placed my little Emma in the arms of her awaiting parents. Through all of the tears Emma slept soundly unaware of the exchange. As I embraced Mary close to my heart I asked her to do one thing for me. "When you kiss her, will you kiss her twice? Once for you and once for me."

~from God's arms, to my arms, to yours~

As they drove off into the darkness I felt my heart leave with her. With my Emma Jane. I almost as if I were morning her death. For she was gone. And I remained. Alone. Heartbroken. Empty. There were many dark and depressing years that followed every December, every January. I didn't know were I belonged, I know I am not her mother but she still felt like my baby. I didn't know how to grieve her how to let go. All the while I knew she was meant to be with David & Mary. I know that my Father in Heaven helped guide me in my decision. I never did regret any of the decisions that I made in giving Emma a forever family. But I did miss her. I wondered what her laugh sounded like, how her hair felt as it ran through my fingers, would she know me... Would she remember the I once loved her just as her mother does now.

My beloved Uncle Brad died suddenly and tragically eight days before my 25th birthday. We buried him the following weekend, on my birthday. We were able to have dinner with David & Mary later that evening. As much as I would have loved to see Emma. I didn't want to. I wasn't prepared. We had dinner just the four of us. It was lovely. It was as if we had never been apart from them. All the feelings of peace and comfort that I had felt nearly 6 years earlier came flooding back.

As I looked at Mary I saw pieces of myself. She loved to do all of the same things I did. From pictures, scrap booking, arts, & crafts to gardening flowers, music, & traveling. Her sweetness warmed my soul. I knew that I had known her from before this life and beyond the veil. We were old friends, best friends. I knew how much I loved her. Her face was gentle and her eyes danced when she spoke of Emma in all her accomplishments. Looking at David, he was everything a Dad ought to be and then some. He reminded me of all the things I loved about my own father. I was first drawn to David and Mary because of his name. His name is very dear to my heart. David is my dad's name. I love my father, we are very close. This was no coincidence. It was Divine destiny.

It was an unusually scorching May afternoon in California a year later. We had brought our three very small children (and with one on the way) to the L.A. zoo where we met Emma with David, Mary, & little baby brother Sam in tow. I wasn't sure what to expect that I would feel. As I looked into the eyes of a young 6 1/2 year old girl, who looked far from the infant I held in my arms all those years ago, she looked back unknowingly. As I beheld her sweet face it was as if I was looking at Peter's mirrored reflection. The resemblance was unmistakable. Emma's beautiful blue eyes were the only thing that reminded me of myself.

When she called for her mother, it wasn't me that she called for. I was not the mother she knew, loved, & wanted to comfort her. I wanted to touch her, to hold her close to me. I was afraid. I was too terrified that my emotions would betray me and that I was going to begin to cry uncontrollably. I didn't dare touch her. The last thing I wanted to do would be to confuse her. She wouldn't understand why this strange woman is holding her sobbing. As the afternoon hours passed surprisingly Emma came to me and held my hand only for a moment. It caught me off guard but I welcomed it. I no longer felt sadness. My heart was full.

Peter and I have been happily married for seven years this last November 7th. We were sealed for time and all eternity to our four beautiful children: Jolee, Ethan, Logan, & Kylee. As I knelt across from my sweet husband with my darling little angels gathered around me I thought of David, Mary, & Emma. This is what I had always wanted for her. This is why having an eternal family is so important. I finally had what I had always wanted for myself, for my own little children. An Eternal Family. With God all things are possible. Now we can live happily forever after together.

for my baby girl Emma Jane

Happy 8th Birthday!

P.S. I love you the most*